A visit from the black dog...

So I start with an apology, for not posting anything yesterday - but to be honest it's probably best that I didn't. Despite a successful visit to the vet's to get Bob's thyroid levels checked (they were spot on, which was a relief), the day did not stay so great.

Every now and again, I get a visit from the black dog (depression) and it completely floors me. I don't see it coming, I don't ever know why it's shown up - it is just there, sitting on my chest, crushing the life out of me.

My brain feels like it has disappeared, to be replaced by a vast, dense black cloud that makes it impossible to think, feel, and sometimes to function in any useful way at all.

Depression is a beast that has stalked me for most of my life. I keep it at bay with supplements, therapy and meditation as I am one of the unlucky few that find anti-depressants make it all so much worse. But every now and again, when I am especially run down, it rears it's head and makes my life a misery.

Yesterday I woke up feeling like I hadn't slept in years. My sinuses were blocked, and when I tried to blow my nose all I got was blood; my stomach decided to partake of it's most spectacular pyrotechnics; every bit of me ached and I basically felt like I had the flu. But, to be honest I wake up feeling that way most days, due to the hypermobile Ehler's Danlos, the ME/CFS, the fibromyalgia and the IBS. So, I struggled through getting Bob to the vets, which only made everything worse due to my allergies to pet dander and the cleaning products they use there - and by late afternoon I was exhausted and numb, emotionally at least.

It isn't entirely surprising that it has hit me now. The past few months have been very stressful - and would be for anyone, even if they didn't have a number of chronic health issues. My parents were in and out of hospital, my Mum has had to go into a care home due to dementia, and my Dad is really missing her - but lives over 2hrs drive away so it isn't easy for me, or the rest of my family to get there and see them. Just as we got them settled, I then had a run of hospital appointments myself - just as I went back to university after a year out (because of my health).

I would have liked to have been able to put off that return a bit longer, but I'd already had the full period I was permitted to take, without having to start the degree all over again - and so I have been trying to cope with everything, and I succeeded, pretty much. Right up until Aidan went away skiing, when everything kicked in with avengeance.

I'm pretty sure that it was the combination of the last appointment being last week, and then the being alone literally all the time that was just the final straw. The adrenaline that I think had been keeping me going since November just gave up, and I went into my blanket fort to sleep and let things pass. In a way, I should have known it was on its way, as I've been a bit hyper (hence setting up this blog in the middle of the night!) recently. I really need to remember that and pay better attention!

I don't usually feel lonely, though I spend most of my life alone because of my health issues. Aidan works long hours and I refuse to let him miss out on a social life, just because I can't manage one anymore, so it isn't like I'm not used to my own company. I even enjoy it, most of the time. But not having him there to give me a cuddle, or to talk to when I'm feeling low is hard - I wouldn't expect him to be able to pick up the phone that easily when he's zooming down a mountain, it just wouldn't be safe, and he's prone to accidents as it is!

Hopefully the black dog will make it's way onwards soon and I can get back to some kind of normalcy, after all I have a lot to do and think about - and much to be excited about too!