Well, the world is now officially on it's head!

I'm not going to try and get involved in any COVID-19 stuff here, only to apologise for not posting for a bit because I've been so anxious I've not been able to think about or concentrate on anything for longer than a butterfly might settle on a flower.

I have often compared my brain to a butterfly because of this tendency, which was pointed out to me by an old reflexology client who became one of my very best friends. She noticed, long before I had, that I have a constant need to be doing a number of things - or that I am so ridiculously focussed on just one that I forget the world even exists.

So, in some ways, when I found out just a few months ago that there was a strong possibility that I may have ADHD and autism I wasn't entirely surprised - and since I have now done a lot of reading around the subjects, it all suddenly makes so much more sense! I am starting to find a level of peace and acceptance of who I am now, because of these probable diagnoses (was assessed as part of a research trial by someone more than qualified to diagnose me, but because it wasn't part of an NHS project the diagnosis does not officially stand).

I have flitted from job to job, from course to course, from pastime to pastime over the years. I touch lightly, just enough to be good at most things, but never to excel. I have terminal inability to stick at anything! I start projects with such hope and determination that this time around I will be able to finish it because I am keyed up and utterly fascinated by whatever it may be. But it never lasts. The interest fades once I know roughly how to do something.

But, there are some things that do last.

I am continually fascinated by the human body and brain and how they interact to create what we deem 'health'. I love being practical - though I have to mix and match my projects, so I don't get bored of doing just one thing. I love to garden, dabble in pottery and upcycling furniture.

I can utterly lose myself for hours, days or even weeks doing these things. But I am not consistent even with them.

I have begun to wonder recently if this is because I have always felt enormous guilt and shame that I had not ever managed to hold down what might be termed a 'proper' career, to stay in one thing and only one thing long enough to become expert and to make a name for myself in that arena. It made me feel that if I wasn't well enough to hold down a job, that I didn't deserve to enjoy these hobbies (which may well have helped my mental and physical health no end). Without that guilt I may have found a way to make these utterly enjoyable tasks a way to earn money - rather than continually trying to bash myself over the head with a large mallet trying to fit this rather oddly shaped peg into a perfectly square hole!

My family are big on 'purpose', and having vocations. My Mum was a teacher, and had only ever wanted to be a teacher. My Dad was a carpenter - and though I think he may also be ADHD somehow managed to find enough variety in his work to keep him in love with wood and all he could do with it for a lifetime.

My sister is a nurse - and that in itself is part of why I have been so anxious recently!

I thought I wanted to be a doctor when I was little. Only problem was that once I got to seior school I wasn't that great at science, and was barely average at maths. I think the issues with my ADHD and autism probably only really began to show up at that time - and so where I had once been the child who was up at the teacher's desk first having completed the tasks set, and having done them correctly, I became disoriented and my attention drifted more. I fell from the top achieving groups into the middle ones, and nobody seemed to notice. I still did well enough, I suppose, that people didn't see an issue - though I cannot remember a single school report that didn't contain the dreaded words 'Roly is a bright girl, and could achieve great things if she would just try harder.'

I have always felt that way. That I have huge potential, if only I could find a way to tap it. I am 'good' at so many things. A real Jack of All Trades. But, I get bored so easily. I get distracted so easily. And I get stressed so easily.

This stress is making me question whether continuing to try and get my MSc in Bioarchaeology is really worth it at the moment. I should already be finished by now, if I'd been able to stick out the year long course - but my health collapsed after one term of full time study and I had to take time out.

Whilst I was away, the course structure changed, and the module I had chosen the university for was suddenly no longer a part of the curriculum (please do not get me wrong, I understand entirely why the university did this to clarify the degrees they offered better, but it was a real blow for me). I felt my interest drop - and then I went through all the chaos of new diagnosis after new diagnosis last year, and I felt exhausted and had so much to come to terms with.

I was just getting my mind back into the idea of heading back to finish the course, when my parents both had a lot of health issues, with my Mum ending up in permanent care and Dad missing her terribly. And then it was time to go back. My interruption was done - but I wasn't ready to go back. There was no scope for me to extend my interruption and so I have tried my best to cope. But with this new, global scare, my anxiety has gone crazy and I fear I am going to have to stop university just to take some pressure off myself.

I love learning. But I cannot focus right now. TV is too much of a commitment, and I am going crazy - because I don't have the focus to work either, much less complete difficult essays and undertake all the reading required of complex research papers. I am lucky that my current writing client only needs me to edit and 'polish' stories that have already been written, as I doubt I could come up with a single original story idea right now!

All I want to do is to just potter about for a bit. Even when I supposedly took time off work so I could focus on university, I still felt utterly overwhelmed and didn't manage to take care of myself the way I needed to. But in these trying times, I need to be able to earn a living more than I need a degree I will probably never be able to use. I need a calm mind, so I can keep my stressed body under control.

I need my garden. I need my pottery wheel. And I need some time to myself, without any other requirements on me - other than finding my peace, and finding my joy. I lost both such a long time ago. My diagnoses have helped me to find some acceptance, some understanding of why my life has unfolded in the way it has - but I need more time to come to terms with what that means. To play and be free to work things out for myself - rather than doing what I was told was the right thing. I have to work on shusing the voices in my head.