Who am I?

This past year has been rather odd. I have been a sickly sort my whole life, but this year was the year when doctors actually started finding the things that are wrong and confirming that I wasn't just going slowly crazy as I kept insisting it was more than just the depression and anxiety I most definitely do suffer with as well!

I was just coming to terms with the physical stuff - the hypermobile Ehler's Danlos Syndrome, the dysautonomia (I still think it is Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia alongside my vasovagal syncope, though may be inapropriate sinus tachcardia) and the Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (undiagnosed but responding to treatment as getting a diagnosis is virtually impossible!)

Then, I volunteered for another study, with the people who had helped me to learn all of the above. I wasn't expecting what came out of it. Not only was I not suitable for the study - which was a real shame - but I was probably autistic and had attention deficit hyperactivity disorder!

These will take time to get formally diagnosed as though the head of the study is qualified to diagnose me, as it was part of a research study and not within the NHS the diagnosis would not stand. But, having come this far with these issues and never realising they were there I figure I can wait to get a formal diagnosis - if it is even necessary at all.

Just knowing these things is in many ways enough for me. It makes so much sense of so many aspects of my life now I know. I have always been a bit of a square peg, trying desperately to fit into a round hole and failing miserably. I wanted so much to fit in. I wanted to make my parents proud, by being like everyone else. But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't do it. I always struggled, and because I tried so hard I always made myself sick.

I learnt really early on that by watching others I could work out how to behave in most situations. I watched and I applied what I saw - even though I rarely understood why people did the things they did. I got so good at reading people that I became a psychotherapist! I often saw things in others that 'normal' people just didn't see because they never had to look quite so closely at anyone in order to survive and adapt.

Since the lockdown, I have realised just how many things in my life are affected by these unusual traits. I hate talking on the telephone and always have. I struggle to understand people when I can't see them - I don't know what they mean, because I learnt early on that people don't always mean what they say, so much of what we 'speak' is told by our body language. I hate phone calls because I couldn't always tell if someone was joking with me, being sarcastic, or if they were being genuine. I always thought this was because of my slightly rubbish hearing, that I needed to lip read - but it turns out that it is so much more than that!

We were on a Zoom call with some friends the other day, and one of them disappeared from the screen. He was still talking, and his words were clear - but when everyone else laughed I was puzzled - simply because I hadn't seen the twinkle in his eye, or the little shrug of his shoulders he always give when he says something he wants people to find funny. Everyone else found it funny, because they knew he was being silly - but I just hear his words, not the nuances that I have learned to 'see'.

I have always been much more comfortable around animals than I am people, and live in my own head most of the time. I have incredible worlds up there, worlds I much prefer to the real one I have to live in. I read, constantly. At least, I used to. It was my superpower. But these days I have such a limited concentration span - unless I am reading or doing something I can utterly lose myself in.

When I found out about the possible autism and ADHD, I went on a reading rampage - trying to make sense of this news. I had never considered myself as neurodivergent, and like most people my image of what it meant was what we see in the media - which is a predominantly male expression of these issues. When I learned that women present very differently and I began to read other women's stories, so much about my life resonated with what I was reading. I can firmly recommend the following books if you are wondering whether you or someone you know may be where I was:

• Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Understanding Life Experiences from Early Childhood to Old Age, by Sarah Hendrix

• Odd Girl Out: An Autistic Woman in a Neurotypical World, by Laura James

• Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most Out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder, by John Ratey

• Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder, by Dr Gabor Maté

• Thriving with Adult ADHD: Skills to Strengthen Executive Functioning, by Phil Boissiere

• You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder, by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo

• The Asperger's and Me: Girl with the Curly Hair, by Alis Rowe

• The Autistic Brain, by Temple Grandin

These books are just the start for me as I learn more about why my brain works the way it does, why I can be engrossed in a task for so long I forget to eat and ignore the pain and increasing fatigue in my body, causing crashes that can last for days - to the utter indifference to the same kind of task just a few minutes/hours/days later. One day I will read book after book after book, while on other days I can't focus on more than a tweet at a time. I can be utterly passionate about something, only for that passion to fade as mysteriously as it arrived, often half way through a project.

Which is what brought me to the blog today really. I started my MSc in biological anthropology in 2018. I should have completed it in 2019. But, as always, in my excitement about something new I tried to do too much and my body crashed. So, I took some time out to recover. Sadly, in the time it took for my body to get well, not only did I find out a whole new set of things about my health and why it did what it did, but my passion for old bones and what they can tell us has dissipated.

I am still intrigued, but I am not sure my interest is sufficient to power me through the next year of studying - especially when I am now unable to take the module I chose this particular course for, because it is no longer part of the degree path (it changed while I was out for the year.) I love the people in the department at my university. They are so passionate about what they do, and are doing everything in their power to try and get me through, but I just don't seem to be able to find the oomph, or drive, or interest to actually do the work.

Sally and Ellie are incredible people. They deserve a better student than me. I want to be better. I want to be able to sustain my interest over a period of time longer than a few months - but I have never really been able to do that. At least now, I know why!